And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
