I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize