were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How naked do you want me to be?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
