i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I smell stomach acid.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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