Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
