I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
