Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
