my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
