She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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