my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
