I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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