when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize