Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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