i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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