why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
