Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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