I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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