Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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