If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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