Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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