I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
