so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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