Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
