there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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