Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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