He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
