Screwed.edu
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
