how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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