i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
