I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
