woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
