I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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