"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
