my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
one might say we're banned from that church
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize