six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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