even my farts smell like vagina
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
