Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
