You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My brain says no but my pants say off.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
