1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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