my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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