Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
