I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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