please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
