I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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