just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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