It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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