Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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