he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
