Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
