Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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