i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
