By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
