Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
