So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
