It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
