This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
