Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
