He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
