my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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