Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize