There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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